Reinbeck Studio, Creative Space
My creative space to share my experiences.
If you’re a reader that enjoys #nonfiction #memoir, Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: My Journey from Victim to Survivor offers a unique perspective on how #childhood #trauama and #family #dysfunction follows a child into adulthood.
The history of abuse in my family didn’t start with me; I made sure that it ends with me. No child should ever have to experience such heartbreak and trauma.
In this blog post, I would like to share my thoughts and opinions about something I read yesterday.
While on Facebook I came across a post on one of the (women entrepreneur) groups that I am a member of. Due to the controversial issue, the post was taken down just before I was able to leave a comment. Good on the admins/moderators for taking it down as it had nothing to do with the group; it was a means of getting people fired up and turning on each other.
The article was titled, “#notmetoo” and written by a female that shared her thoughts about the #metoo movement and how it has gone from raising awareness to being used to exploit people. I don’t have an issue with this opinion, as I tend to agree.
I feel that many people don’t really understand what the #metoo movement is all about, nor do they care enough to research the topic. The #metoo movement is about raising awareness, showing just how many people (not just women) that have endured sexual harassment and/or sexual assault. The movement created a platform for many of us (myself included) to know that we are not alone and to show our support to those that choose to come forward.
Is anyone forced into coming forward? No.
You don’t have to out yourself, nor do you have to share your experience.
There is no action for you to take unless you want to.
The author of the article thought that most women have experienced being sexually harassed, what’s the point of saying anything? It was her experience that when it happened to her at work, she said NO and she didn’t have to take any action. The word No was enough, so she didn’t feel like the #metoo movement applies to her.
The author mentioned that if women were stronger, more assertive and weren’t so scared, that they wouldn’t need the #metoo movement and encourages others like her to start a #notmetoo movement.
Here’s the problem I have with that logic. Speaking from my own experience, I was a child, my NO didn’t solve the problem. During my first job out of high school, my No didn’t solve the problem. Some victims are drugged, date raped, overpowered, ganged up on, restrained. Our No, assuming we could get it out was not respected.
Good for her and good for the rest of you that have never had a sexual act of violence forced upon you. Good for you that your No was respected. While you feel that the #metoo movement doesn’t apply to you, you don’t get to diminish the meaning behind it. By doing so, you are basically saying boo-hoo, suck it up, we all get harassed, deal with it.
Trust me, I have been dealing with it, dealing with it for 30+ years because there is no magic cure. I will never be 100%, none of us will ever fully recover. During times of extreme stress or fear, we all react differently. We either Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. How nice it must be to know how you would react to an act of sexual violence when you haven’t experienced it. Those of us that tend to Freeze or Fawn should not be mistaken for as weak.
Tell me, for those strong, assertive types, if you witness another person being sexually harassed/assaulted, would you help or would you look the other way thinking, suck it up!
The idea of starting a #notmetoo movement is absurd and hurts the rest of us that are trying to recover, looking for support, finally having the courage to speak up. Speaking up IS part of our recovery, so don’t joke about it, make light of the subject or diminish the significance.
The notion of a #notmeetoo movement is as ridiculous as straight people wanting their own “pride” parade. Be glad you don’t need one because your rights and mental health aren’t in danger. You are not the ones being silenced, or not believed when you finally do come forward.
In my opinion, those that are for the #notmetoo movement are part of the problem. Choose to be better, choose to be part of the solution. What do you have to lose?
Sexual harassment is not tolerated in the workplace and Sexual Assault is a CRIME, both of which are never okay.
******* TRIGGER WARNING*******
This blog post will touch on topics of coming forward, speaking up and what that means as a survivor of sexual abuse/assault. While I won’t go into detail, the topic in itself may be triggering for many survivors. It is not my intention to trigger, only to inform. Continue reading at your own risk.
I’m feeling inspired this morning after I came across a social media post from a survivor seeking advice from those that have come forward about their abuse. This person is seriously considering coming forward, filing a report against her abuser and is looking for support.
My personal thoughts on this matter, I fully support her decision and know first hand just how difficult this is.
Could you imagine if all survivors took immediate action against their abuser(s)? A society where we could come forward, be believed, not have to relive our trauma over and over as we explain in full detail the vile acts that we were forced to endure. A society that wasn’t corrupt and the sexual predators weren’t protected but rather all given a minimum of 15 years in prison with no chance of early release, no special privileges. Imagine if that punishment was universal in every State, Province, and Country. The same sentencing should be imposed upon those who knowingly make false claims. I do imagine this and I think the acts of sexual violence would decrease because of harsher punishments with no wiggle room to bribe down to a lesser sentence.
The reality is, that’s never going to happen. Greed and corruption exist, not all humans possess the qualities of integrity and accountability; sadly I don’t see things changing for the better anytime soon.
The best opportunity for a survivor to come forward is within 48 hours of the encounter. This small window of time is the only chance to retrieve any evidence that may be present/left behind. Having the courage to get yourself (or get someone to drive you) to the local hospital is your best chance to ensure that your abuser(s) gets taken into custody.
Without evidence (physical, video, audio) a witness or another survivor that is willing to speak up, the odds of a survivor being taken seriously rapidly decrease. It’s now a matter of a “He said, She said” scenario and it becomes more difficult to prove/prosecute.
Coming forward is especially difficult if there is a Statute of Limitations that prevents survivors from reporting the crime against them after 7, 10, 15 years after it took place. It is frustrating when we process trauma differently and for many of us, our brain has protected us by hiding that trauma for 15+ years. We weren’t aware that a crime against us had been committed until it’s too late. Where’s the justice in that? There isn’t any!
Coming forward within the 48-hour window doesn’t ensure that the brave survivor is granted a “happily ever after” ending. Coming forward doesn’t just affect the life of the survivor, but in most cases affects the lives of those around them. That idea alone is enough for many of us to not come forward at all, especially when the abuser is a family member.
Does coming forward about the abuse you endured make you selfish? Absolutely NOT!
Does coming forward about the abuse you endured come across as “Seeking Attention”? Absolutely NOT!
Yet so many of us are made to believe the opposite is true. That’s because those that are making us feel that way are scared, afraid and don’t want to deal with the aftermath, the judgments, the whispers, the rumors and the hardships that will most definitely follow.
Should that guilt be enough for us survivors to stay quiet and keep our mouths shut? That is up to the survivor. I can’t answer that and speak for everyone.
I was told that there would be “consequences” should I choose to speak up and tell my “story”. I was 9 years and my mother who walked in on my last encounter with her boyfriend was in complete denial. She didn’t believe me even though she witnessed it happening. I knew that this moment was my opportunity to speak up and tell her everything. That wasn’t enough, she was still siding with “him”. I was told that if I was ready to deal with the “consequences” that she would drive me to the hospital and that I would have to endure some very uncomfortable tests and there would be questions that I had to answer truthfully.
I knew that I didn’t do anything wrong, I wasn’t the one lying to my mother about what she walked in on. I had no reason to be punished. I knew that if I couldn’t prove to my mother that I was telling the truth, the abuse would continue and her boyfriend might actually follow through with the death threats he made against my younger brother and mother. How could things get worse for me than they already were at that moment?
The testing and procedures performed at the hospital to collect the evidence took place, not one of my favorite moments. I still have a hard (emotional) time at every OBGYN appointment some 30+ years later. But I knew it had to be done, not just to prove my abuser wrong, but to help protect myself and my brother from possible harm. Also to ensure this bastard doesn’t hurt another little girl. I couldn’t live with that guilt, knowing that I could have done something and didn’t.
The consequences of coming forward appeared shortly after, while still at the hospital. Due to the nature of the crime, me being a minor and the doctors were convinced that my mother was not going to break off the relationship (they weren’t wrong); Child Services were called along with the local police detectives. Long story, short. My brother and I were placed in foster care that evening. What was supposed to be for the weekend, turned into a few weeks, that turned into a few more months. I entered the foster system at age 9 and never got out until I aged out of the system.
Sure, I pressed charges against my abuser and had my day in court. The evidence was tested and obviously came back as his, he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. A small victory for me. My younger brother was completely innocent, had never been abused, had no idea what was going on. He didn’t know what was happening or know why we couldn’t go home. I fought for him, pleaded that he should get to go home.
Being 9 years old and not fully understanding the whole picture.
We later learned that our mother was still visiting her boyfriend (my abuser) in prison. It was those secret visits that caused her to lose her parental rights. We were close to coming home (after 4.5 years). After the proof, after all that I endured and sacrificed to protect myself and my brother, this was how I was rewarded. This was my consequence and my brother was an innocent bystander.
Was Justice served? YES. I got to the hospital, evidence was collected and used to put my abuser away for 10 years. One less sexual predator out in public.
Was the outcome what I had hoped? Not in a million years. I can only be accountable for myself, and I did just that. I didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. Just ashamed to have a mother that didn’t believe me and kept putting my abuser before her kids.
My mother has failed me on several occasions, but that’s a story for another day. The best thing she did was to allow me to make my own choice and drive me to the hospital that morning.
While the situations are similar, there are many variables to consider if you are thinking about coming forward/speaking up about the abuse you endured. As much as I love the idea of all survivors coming forward, I know that many can’t, some aren’t aware that they should. All of which is okay, just know that I support your choice.
For anyone considering coming forward:
Coming forward and reporting the abuse that you endured isn’t easy on so many levels. The courage and bravery required to speak up doesn’t come easy. When you finally do, it’s possible that your claims aren’t taken seriously or they are dismissed as a misunderstanding, especially without proof/evidence. Even with proof and there is no shadow of a doubt, the aftermath is unpredictable. One thing is for sure, you won’t get a Thank You and your efforts won’t get recognized, because it’s not seen as heroic when it most certainly is.
If the TV and Movies have taught us one thing, it’s that in this world, there are Heroes and Criminals/Villians. Heroes help to put the Criminals away, Heroes protect the innocent. This seems to be an acceptable norm, except when it comes to sexual abuse. Sexual Predators are often disguised, hiding in plain sight right under our noses, posing as heroes. Sexual Predators have infiltrated many positions of power and they use that position of power as a means of protection. Now, these Criminals are able to protect other criminals and the Heroes are the ones that suffer.
Welcome back blog readers,
I just came across this article on my Facebook news feed and felt that it’s worth sharing with all of you.
With all of the stories that have been coming out over the last year and all of the claims of sexual abuse that HAS taken place, I still don’t understand why there are still so many people that blatantly dismiss the vital information that we are sharing.
We’ve come forward, we’ve shared our experiences to help others recognize how abuse of this nature continues to happen and WHY many of us could not come forward right away. I’m beginning to feel like a broken record, repeating the same information over and over again.
I have been silenced for too long, so NO, I won’t stop talking about my experience nor will I stop sharing information that might help save another child from going through what I experienced. LISTEN UP!! I’m not writing and advocating to merely pass the time. We as a society, as families, as neighbors have allowed these sexual predators to get away with taking advantage our loved ones for far too long. When are we going to open our eyes and hold those involved accountable? When are we going to learn that staying silent (because it’s easier than to admit what really happened under our noses) is not the best way to handle these situations?
Can you not see that we’ve allowed sexual predators to continue their vile acts on other people, while their victims that need help, need support get shoved aside and cast out. Can’t you see how damaging that is? Wouldn’t you rather be a part of the solution and not help a sexual predator continue their vile acts on innocent kids?
Now, look at where we are… it’s 2019, and we have a president that openly admits that he’s been able to use his celebrity status to do whatever he wants to women. This same man had 20 women come forward all claiming some form of sexual misconduct had taken place before he entered the White House in 2016. Since his time as president, he has endorsed Brett Kavanaugh to Supreme Court Judge, he too had a woman come forward stating he had sexually assaulted her 30 years prior in high school.
We all know how that turned out. When the president is a sexual predator, naturally he’s going to support any other of his kind and push their careers forward while he can. That’s how they work and how they’ve been able to stay under the radar for so long. Just look at the Catholic Churches. Hundreds of priests have been able to hide behind their religion for decades. So many claims have been coming forward, most are discarded and not given a second look. Why? Sexual predators show a different side to everyone they are not abusing. They are often charming, funny, just a super nice guy/lady that we couldn’t imagine them hurting anybody.
We need to stop turning a blind eye on people that hold a position of authority, an important place within our church, anyone with celebrity status because sexual predators come from all walks of life. They use their job to their advantage, some can afford to pay their victims to stay silent.
Have you ever wondered why sexual predators are housed together, away from the general population in prison? It’s for their safety, seriously! Even in prison, they are still being protected.
If you’ve read the article and have read everything up to this point, are you seeing the signs? Is this all making sense? Is there somebody that comes to mind, someone that checks all of these boxes?
Learn to recognize the signs of abuse and how to handle this type of situation if you or someone confides in you that they have been abused.
https://www.rainn.org/safety-prevention
I still firmly believe that those who are quick to defend an abuser is hiding something and you should be very cautious around them.
Consider yourself warned. ~ Hannah
Reinbeck Studio, Creative Space 