Do you find you don’t deal with situations or relationships as successfully as you’d like? Do you feel depressed, anxious, or think negative things about yourself, others or the world? If so, it could be that your blueprint is holding you back. You can think of your blueprint as everything you felt, saw, thought, touch, tasted, laughed or cried at. Millions of experiential data points creating your unique map of how the world works. But a map created before you are cognitively mature enough to understand or handle difficult situations. Because this blueprint comes from the cause and effect on a child mind there can be limitations on how we now see the world. If we had good mentoring, a stable view of ourselves, and satisfying relationships, then it’s likely we’ll have a healthy blueprint. However, if we experienced poor mentoring, a negative view of ourselves, with less than stable relationships, then our blueprint could be more dysfunctional. Leading us to see the world as
Category: Self-Doubt
To the Misfits, Underdogs, Loners and Black Sheep…
To the Misfits, Underdogs, Loners and Black Sheep… You are my kind of people!
These groups of people are the ones that I can and do identify with as well as the creative introverts. Many of us struggle to fit in with our peers, to be accepted for our contributions and the ideas that we bring to the table. We put ourselves out there and hope that we are not ridiculed, teased, laughed at or bullied for being ourselves.
While in high school (a time when most of us are still trying to figure out where we fit in), I decided to go against the grain as I typically do if given the option and decided that I was not going to learn a trade that 95% of the other girls were going to do. Most girls join Allied Health (aka Butt wipers in high school hence the immature nickname), but rather I decided to join Automotive Technology because that was more interesting to me.
I knew my choice wouldn’t sit well with other people, and I knew there would be a backlash of snide comments, rumors and some might wonder what my motive was. There was no motive, I wasn’t interested in dating the guys (in fact I didn’t date any guy from any grade in that program), I knew I would risk being teased/harassed/bullied (which I was for the entire 4 years), but I did it for me, for my own knowledge. I didn’t have a father figure, or anyone for that matter to teach me about vehicle maintenance/safety and I didn’t want to get screwed over for being helpless woman that doesn’t know any better. There was a part of me that also wanted to prove that I could do it when there had not been 1 female to successfully finish the program and I wanted to inspire girls that they could join a male dominant trade no matter what anyone else thinks.
During my senior the automotive program went from 1 female (me) to having 2 in the junior class, 3 in the sophomore class and 3 or 4 in the freshman class. I had a chance to speak with most of these girls during their exploratory week (the time when the freshmen experience each trade to see if it’s a good fit) and they felt the same as I did. They had an interest in a male dominant trade but were afraid to be the only female. It only took 1 black sheep to prove that we (young females) don’t have to follow the rest of the herd when it comes to our education/choosing a profession.
While on the topic of high school and the cliques/groups that we are all too familiar with, I didn’t fit in with any of them. I was not popular (which is code for girly girl/cheerleader, every guy wanting me, every girl wanting to be me, prom queen). I was not a jock, while I was a decent athlete I was always underrated and next to last to being picked (due to my lack of coolness/popularity). I wasn’t a stoner (smoker, drug user, party until you puke). I wasn’t a nerd even though I was a friend to most. I was a loner and sat by myself at lunch; since I was approachable and sympathetic I was often joined by other loners, misfits, outcasts and a few nerd friends. As an introvert, I don’t have an issue being alone or sitting quietly not feeling the need to be the center of attention. In fact the less attention the better.
Creativity comes in many forms from writing books, poetry, writing music, being musically inclined, painting, designing bridges, photography, graphic design even applying makeup and styling your hair. All forms of art are subjective and there is no right or wrong, only do or don’t. Being creative is a self-expression which is open to interpretation and not everyone will “get it” and that’s okay. It’s more important to appreciate what has been created because it takes courage to bare your soul and share that part of you.
Even amongst authors/writers/poets there are many cliques with their rules and standards as to who and what they will accept to join/promote. I had joined a few upon releasing my book to gain insight from those with more experience. I found that there may be a handful of people that do take the time to share their insight, most just want to brag about how well they are doing while avoid answering your question(s). Those that aren’t bragging and rubbing our noses in it, are busy being dramatic. I have since removed myself from such groups as they only cause me stress and their views are not aligned with my own.
I write for me. I find it therapeutic and I don’t require guidelines/standards, specific word counts to do so. I refuse to compromise my style of writing to fit inside impossible parameters that are made up by others to follow. I’ll keep doing my own thing, if you get it, Great! If you don’t, that’s okay too.
It’s okay not to follow the crowd. It’s okay to follow your own path even if you have to clear that path yourself. It’s okay not to fit in or be associated with a certain group. It’s better to be yourself than to compromise who you are or what you believe. You are unique and it’s okay to embrace that individuality.
While this idea for a blog post has been something I had considered a few months ago, there was something I read this morning that gave me the little push to get this out there. (Thanks Anthony)
Be creative, Be you, you don’t have to be a follower. ~ Hannah
Self Doubt, the struggle is real.
Welcome back blog readers,
Those of you that have been following my blog, also know that I have written a book about the trauma I endured as a child. Before the book was finished and ready to be published, I made the decision to use a pen name. When you write a book that depicts your family dysfunction to which some family members will not come out smelling like roses; I thought it was best to change their names as well as my own.
I wanted to avoid any possible backlash from family members that may be upset about my truth/experience that I shared as a means of self healing. There are family members that know the truth or some bits of truth, there are others that have no idea and others that I am trying to protect as they are innocent and don’t need to be harassed.
For those of you that are considering writing a memoir, you have two choices. The first is that you get consent from each person you are including and get that consent in writing so they can’t take legal action and file a claim of slander against you after it’s published. The second choice is that you change the names of the those which also includes your own. The name is not as important as their actions that you wish to depict.
Before my book was ready to publish I shared the final draft with my brother because he needed to know what my intention was and I wanted to get his thoughts on my idea before it went public. My brother was fully supportive and read the rough draft to which he found it difficult (emotionally) as it brought many feelings to the surface. Even though it was a difficult read for him, he was able to piece together events that were fragments because he was either too young to understand or information was withheld.
I let my mother know of my intention, but she is unaware of my pen name and the fact that I have a separate Facebook page for that aspect. My mother is supportive of the fact that I found a means of healing and she knows that she was a HUGE factor in abuse that I endured. There is a small part of me that feels that she has paid her dues for her choices and she’s living in her own version of hell; I didn’t want people harassing her and making her miserable life more miserable.
It was not my intention to write my truth to further embarrass my family and bring more shame. I was not responsible for the choices the adults made on my behalf, and if their actions make them look bad, I can’t help that. My book is personal, it was my creative outlet that allowed me the opportunity to move past the mental blocks and helped me to make sense of how the actions of others really had an effect on me.
I know I’ve said this before and I’ll keep saying it; my book was not written with the intention to become rich/famous or hurt anyone. It was my hope that in coming forward that I could encourage others to come forward, leave their toxic relationship, start healing, and seek justice for their trauma.
It was never my intention to share my accomplishment (if you want to call it that) with anyone in my family besides my brother. Earlier today I broke character (so to speak) and shared the information with my Uncle. For those that have read my book, the same uncle that is four years older than me. Will he read it? I don’t know. I’ve never had any ill feelings toward him, so I hope he can be objective should he be curious enough to read my book.
I kept second guessing myself as to whether I should bring it up or not. I typed it out, then deleted the message, then retyped it and sent it trying to gauge his reaction. Even now, I’m starting to regret sharing that bit of information, but it’s too late now. I’m sure it won’t be easy for him to read the not so nice things about his mother and his older sister (my mother). What’s done is done and those events took place 30 years ago. Who knows, maybe he’ll finally learn what really took place as his mother (my grandmother) was never 100% honest and liked to cover things up and play the victim.
Honesty is the best policy, right? ~ Hannah
Reinbeck Studio, Creative Space 