#MenToo, #MeToo, Crime/Punishment, Criminal Justice, Not the Popular Opinion, Sexual Abuse, Speaking from Experience, Stigma/Taboo, Victims of sexual abuse/sexual assualt

Coming Forward, Are you ready?

******* TRIGGER WARNING*******

This blog post will touch on topics of coming forward, speaking up and what that means as a survivor of sexual abuse/assault. While I won’t go into detail, the topic in itself may be triggering for many survivors. It is not my intention to trigger, only to inform. Continue reading at your own risk.

 

I’m feeling inspired this morning after I came across a social media post from a survivor seeking advice from those that have come forward about their abuse. This person is seriously considering coming forward, filing a report against her abuser and is looking for support.

My personal thoughts on this matter, I fully support her decision and know first hand just how difficult this is.

Could you imagine if all survivors took immediate action against their abuser(s)? A society where we could come forward, be believed, not have to relive our trauma over and over as we explain in full detail the vile acts that we were forced to endure. A society that wasn’t corrupt and the sexual predators weren’t protected but rather all given a minimum of 15 years in prison with no chance of early release, no special privileges. Imagine if that punishment was universal in every State, Province, and Country. The same sentencing should be imposed upon those who knowingly make false claims.  I do imagine this and I think the acts of sexual violence would decrease because of harsher punishments with no wiggle room to bribe down to a lesser sentence.

The reality is, that’s never going to happen. Greed and corruption exist, not all humans possess the qualities of integrity and accountability; sadly I don’t see things changing for the better anytime soon.

The best opportunity for a survivor to come forward is within 48 hours of the encounter. This small window of time is the only chance to retrieve any evidence that may be present/left behind. Having the courage to get yourself  (or get someone to drive you) to the local hospital is your best chance to ensure that your abuser(s) gets taken into custody.

Without evidence (physical, video, audio) a witness or another survivor that is willing to speak up, the odds of a survivor being taken seriously rapidly decrease. It’s now a matter of a “He said, She said” scenario and it becomes more difficult to prove/prosecute.

Coming forward is especially difficult if there is a Statute of Limitations that prevents survivors from reporting the crime against them after 7, 10, 15 years after it took place. It is frustrating when we process trauma differently and for many of us, our brain has protected us by hiding that trauma for 15+ years. We weren’t aware that a crime against us had been committed until it’s too late. Where’s the justice in that? There isn’t any!

Coming forward within the 48-hour window doesn’t ensure that the brave survivor is granted a “happily ever after” ending. Coming forward doesn’t just affect the life of the survivor, but in most cases affects the lives of those around them. That idea alone is enough for many of us to not come forward at all, especially when the abuser is a family member.

Does coming forward about the abuse you endured make you selfish? Absolutely NOT!

Does coming forward about the abuse you endured come across as “Seeking Attention”? Absolutely NOT!

Yet so many of us are made to believe the opposite is true. That’s because those that are making us feel that way are scared, afraid and don’t want to deal with the aftermath, the judgments, the whispers, the rumors and the hardships that will most definitely follow.

Should that guilt be enough for us survivors to stay quiet and keep our mouths shut? That is up to the survivor. I can’t answer that and speak for everyone.

I was told that there would be “consequences” should I choose to speak up and tell my “story”. I was 9 years and my mother who walked in on my last encounter with her boyfriend was in complete denial. She didn’t believe me even though she witnessed it happening. I knew that this moment was my opportunity to speak up and tell her everything. That wasn’t enough, she was still siding with “him”. I was told that if I was ready to deal with the “consequences” that she would drive me to the hospital and that I would have to endure some very uncomfortable tests and there would be questions that I had to answer truthfully.

I knew that I didn’t do anything wrong, I wasn’t the one lying to my mother about what she walked in on. I had no reason to be punished. I knew that if I couldn’t prove to my mother that I was telling the truth, the abuse would continue and her boyfriend might actually follow through with the death threats he made against my younger brother and mother. How could things get worse for me than they already were at that moment?

The testing and procedures performed at the hospital to collect the evidence took place, not one of my favorite moments. I still have a hard (emotional) time at every OBGYN appointment some 30+ years later. But I knew it had to be done, not just to prove my abuser wrong, but to help protect myself and my brother from possible harm. Also to ensure this bastard doesn’t hurt another little girl. I couldn’t live with that guilt, knowing that I could have done something and didn’t.

The consequences of coming forward appeared shortly after, while still at the hospital. Due to the nature of the crime, me being a minor and the doctors were convinced that my mother was not going to break off the relationship (they weren’t wrong); Child Services were called along with the local police detectives. Long story, short. My brother and I were placed in foster care that evening. What was supposed to be for the weekend, turned into a few weeks, that turned into a few more months. I entered the foster system at age 9 and never got out until I aged out of the system.

Sure, I pressed charges against my abuser and had my day in court. The evidence was tested and obviously came back as his, he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. A small victory for me. My younger brother was completely innocent, had never been abused, had no idea what was going on. He didn’t know what was happening or know why we couldn’t go home. I fought for him, pleaded that he should get to go home.

Being 9 years old and not fully understanding the whole picture.

We later learned that our mother was still visiting her boyfriend (my abuser) in prison. It was those secret visits that caused her to lose her parental rights. We were close to coming home (after 4.5 years). After the proof, after all that I endured and sacrificed to protect myself and my brother, this was how I was rewarded. This was my consequence and my brother was an innocent bystander.

Was Justice served? YES. I got to the hospital, evidence was collected and used to put my abuser away for 10 years. One less sexual predator out in public.

Was the outcome what I had hoped? Not in a million years. I can only be accountable for myself, and I did just that. I didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. Just ashamed to have a mother that didn’t believe me and kept putting my abuser before her kids.

My mother has failed me on several occasions, but that’s a story for another day. The best thing she did was to allow me to make my own choice and drive me to the hospital that morning.

While the situations are similar, there are many variables to consider if you are thinking about coming forward/speaking up about the abuse you endured. As much as I love the idea of all survivors coming forward, I know that many can’t, some aren’t aware that they should. All of which is okay, just know that I support your choice.

For anyone considering coming forward:

  • Do so when you are ready, not because you are feeling pressured.
  • Be prepared to relive your trauma and share your story several times to several people. It’s mentally exhausting.
  • Without evidence or witnesses, filing a police report is still helpful. Should another survivor report the same abuser, that might be enough to prosecute.
  • Most importantly, Know that you didn’t do anything to deserve this. The abuse you endured was not your fault in any way.
  • Start your healing process when you are ready, not because the court mandates it. When YOU are ready.
  • You are not alone. There are many support groups that you can join, even online to help you process what you’re feeling. There is no shame in seeking support. Nobody understands better than someone who’s been through it.
  • For the Parents of a child that comes forward- bring them to the hospital- be supportive no matter the outcome- Protecting your child comes FIRST- Be the adult they need you to be, hold the abusers accountable, no matter who it turns out to be.

Coming forward and reporting the abuse that you endured isn’t easy on so many levels. The courage and bravery required to speak up doesn’t come easy. When you finally do, it’s possible that your claims aren’t taken seriously or they are dismissed as a misunderstanding, especially without proof/evidence. Even with proof and there is no shadow of a doubt, the aftermath is unpredictable. One thing is for sure, you won’t get a Thank You and your efforts won’t get recognized, because it’s not seen as heroic when it most certainly is.

If the TV and Movies have taught us one thing, it’s that in this world, there are Heroes and Criminals/Villians. Heroes help to put the Criminals away, Heroes protect the innocent. This seems to be an acceptable norm, except when it comes to sexual abuse. Sexual Predators are often disguised, hiding in plain sight right under our noses, posing as heroes. Sexual Predators have infiltrated many positions of power and they use that position of power as a means of protection. Now, these Criminals are able to protect other criminals and the Heroes are the ones that suffer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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#MenToo, #MeToo, Abuse comes in many forms, Sexual Abuse, Shared Link, Speaking from Experience, Stigma/Taboo, Victims of sexual abuse/sexual assualt

Reasons why Family Members side with Sexual Abusers.

Welcome back blog readers,

I just came across this article on my Facebook news feed and felt that it’s worth sharing with all of you.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/reasons-family-members-side-with-sexual-abusers/?fbclid=IwAR1nfSWAZWvJrRIfRgdO0f0SBl2uGk5TrARWlnvnbOl5tImXALN5B_I7fBE

With all of the stories that have been coming out over the last year and all of the claims of sexual abuse that HAS taken place, I still don’t understand why there are still so many people that blatantly dismiss the vital information that we are sharing.

We’ve come forward, we’ve shared our experiences to help others recognize how abuse of this nature continues to happen and WHY many of us could not come forward right away. I’m beginning to feel like a broken record, repeating the same information over and over again.

I have been silenced for too long, so NO, I won’t stop talking about my experience nor will I stop sharing information that might help save another child from going through what I experienced. LISTEN UP!! I’m not writing and advocating to merely pass the time. We as a society, as families, as neighbors have allowed these sexual predators to get away with taking advantage our loved ones for far too long. When are we going to open our eyes and hold those involved accountable? When are we going to learn that staying silent (because it’s easier than to admit what really happened under our noses) is not the best way to handle these situations?

Can you not see that we’ve allowed sexual predators to continue their vile acts on other people, while their victims that need help, need support get shoved aside and cast out. Can’t you see how damaging that is? Wouldn’t you rather be a part of the solution and not help a sexual predator continue their vile acts on innocent kids?

Now, look at where we are… it’s 2019, and we have a president that openly admits that he’s been able to use his celebrity status to do whatever he wants to women. This same man had 20 women come forward all claiming some form of sexual misconduct had taken place before he entered the White House in 2016. Since his time as president, he has endorsed Brett Kavanaugh to Supreme Court Judge, he too had a woman come forward stating he had sexually assaulted her 30 years prior in high school.

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/nov/27/christine-blasey-ford-security-donations-trauma-survivors

We all know how that turned out. When the president is a sexual predator, naturally he’s going to support any other of his kind and push their careers forward while he can. That’s how they work and how they’ve been able to stay under the radar for so long. Just look at the Catholic Churches. Hundreds of priests have been able to hide behind their religion for decades. So many claims have been coming forward, most are discarded and not given a second look. Why? Sexual predators show a different side to everyone they are not abusing. They are often charming, funny, just a super nice guy/lady that we couldn’t imagine them hurting anybody.

We need to stop turning a blind eye on people that hold a position of authority, an important place within our church, anyone with celebrity status because sexual predators come from all walks of life. They use their job to their advantage, some can afford to pay their victims to stay silent.

Have you ever wondered why sexual predators are housed together, away from the general population in prison? It’s for their safety, seriously! Even in prison, they are still being protected.

If you’ve read the article and have read everything up to this point, are you seeing the signs? Is this all making sense? Is there somebody that comes to mind, someone that checks all of these boxes?

Learn to recognize the signs of abuse and how to handle this type of situation if you or someone confides in you that they have been abused.

https://www.rainn.org/safety-prevention

I still firmly believe that those who are quick to defend an abuser is hiding something and you should be very cautious around them.

Consider yourself warned. ~ Hannah

#MenToo, #MeToo, Amazon Kindle, Book Promotion, Book Sales, Goodreads, Leave a Review, Self-Publishing, Sexual Abuse, Speaking from Experience, Stigma/Taboo, Victims of sexual abuse/sexual assualt

FREE Kindle e-book Offer to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day!

Starting Saturday, March 16th and ending Sunday, March 17th!

Free Kindle e-book available for a limited time!!!

My last Free Promotion lead to 37 downloads, let’s see if we can break that record!!

Any reviews and ratings can be left on the Amazon platform to which you received your free copy and also on Goodreads. Please feel free to share this on your social media pages.

Free Kindle weekend starts Saturday, March 16th and ends Sunday, March 17th. Any sales made before or after this promotion are appreciated and 25% of the proceeds will be donated to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. Not only are you helping me to raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse, you are also helping other survivors with each purchase. Thank You!

 

 

Abuse comes in many forms, Health Care, Not the Popular Opinion, Politics, Religious Beliefs, Stigma/Taboo, Women's Health

My Body, I have the final word.

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Welcome back blog readers,

Just a bit of fair warning, If you don’t want to read what I have to say about my views on abortion, then carry on about your day.

I know this topic may generate different points of view, that is perfectly fine as long as we can agree to keep things civil. My opinion on this matter is that it’s my body, I should have the final word. Just as it is your body and you should have the last word. While it’s nice to have all of the facts, and I do mean facts, not religious beliefs, or opinions I’d like the right to choose what is best for me. I don’t want men that have no experience being pregnant making choices for me. I don’t want any religious group making decisions for me.

The choice to go through with an abortion is very personal, can we agree on that? Why would I want the government stepping in or religious groups that I have no affiliation with telling me what is best for me and my body?  I don’t. I don’t want that for anyone as they are not the ones who have to live with that choice, the guilt, remorse, or deal with any complications that might come after the abortion takes place.

Do I think making the choice of having an abortion is easy? No, absolutely not.

It’s also not right to pass judgment on a woman who is making a choice to have an abortion. Those groups that linger around the family planning clinics, protesting, yelling, harassing women that enter/leave are despicable. Those groups assume all those that enter are going in for an abortion when that is not the case. Not to say that some of those appointments are for a consultation, more often than not, many of those appointments are related to reproductive health and have nothing to do with seeking an abortion. Frankly, what women go in for is between them and their doctor/ OBGYN, not you or anyone else.

You may feel that abortion is not right for you, that is fine, that is your choice. That doesn’t give you the right to pass judgment or pass laws that make that choice for anyone else. In many cases the decision to have an abortion isn’t just a matter of Oops, we didn’t use protection. Incest, Rape are things to consider as to why a woman might choose to have an abortion. In some cases the mother to be might have health related issues that may prevent her from carrying full term, her life may be at risk and therefore the baby’s life as well. Most people don’t consider that possibility, they only hear abortion, and their mind goes straight to MURDERER. Not everything is as black and white.

Not every woman has the support of the father to be. Not every woman has the support of her family. Maybe you do, many of us don’t. Can you understand why a woman with no father to be, no parents, no family in her life finds out that her life is at risk if she carries full-term might consider saving herself over losing her life along with the fetus?

Is it really better to force a woman to give birth only to be at a higher risk for postpartum depression, she has no support and her newborn baby is found in a dumpster?

Yes, I’m fully aware that adoption is available. As easy as it is to sit back and claim that you would make a choice to put the baby up for adoption when that time comes is all well and good until you are in that position and are put on the spot. For some of us, going through the 9 months of carrying a baby only to give it up is not as easy as it sounds.

I find that many Pro-Lifers are hypocrites, not all but many. They prefer that the woman carries full term, give that baby a chance at life. Until the baby is born, the mother who has no support goes on welfare/government assistance for 18 years or the child ends up homeless or in the foster system and their tune changes. Pro-Lifers fight for a child to be born, not for that child to be fed, housed, educated or to see that the child receives health care. That’s not Pro-life, that’s Pro-Birth.

A choice that I make for me and my body may not be a choice that you make for yourself and your body, that’s okay. I believe that you and everyone else has the right to CHOOSE what is in your best interest. If not having an abortion is best for you, Great! Don’t have one that is your choice. Isn’t it nice to have an option and not be forced to do something against your will, especially when it’s your body we’re talking about?

If there are doctors that are fine with performing abortions, more power to them. Let them help women that require it. The same goes for doctors that are okay with helping patients with terminal illnesses, they know they are on limited time and want the chronic pain and suffering to end. The option for physician-assisted suicide is not for everyone, but that doesn’t mean the option shouldn’t be available for those who want it. This goes for medical professionals that don’t want to perform surgeries that go against the morals/beliefs, they shouldn’t have to. It’s all about CHOICE and the freedom to be able to make a choice for yourself, not have one forced on you.

You may not want something, or opt for a procedure, that is fine. Your beliefs should not stop somebody else from choosing that for themselves as their choice has no effect on you whatsoever.

I am not owned by anyone, I am not the property of the government, I answer to myself and want the freedom to choose. I want you to have the freedom to choose.

For those curious minds, while it is not your business, I will clarify before the question gets asked; NO I have not had an abortion, I have never been pregnant because that was MY CHOICE.