Welcome back blog readers,
Yes, I know it’s been a while since my last post. Life gets busy and I haven’t been inspired until now to post anything.
No the title is not a typo, It is meant to read Unhappy Mother’s Day. It’s not to discredit the great mothers and motherly figures out there. This post is not about them. For me and for others that don’t get along with their mothers, it’s simply just another day. I am not a mother in a biological sense, I do consider myself a pug mom. I am an Aunt and a big sister that has stepped into a motherly role from time to time.
Here is what prompted this blog post.
I saw this on Facebook, I can relate so I shared them both to my page knowing that I have a few people on my friend’s list that can also relate. My mother saw them, and her natural instinct is to think they are about her. I’ve told her on a few occasions that not everything I share is about her. If I don’t tag her specifically or share it on her page, it’s not meant for her and is just a generic post I thought was worth sharing.
My mother sent me a private message, here is how things played out. ** If you have not read my book, or through posts on this blog SPOILER ALERT**
Mom: Hi Hannah, just a question.. be truthful.. was I really a bad mother to you and Joey? as you put all these two posts say..
Hannah: I have no reason not to be truthful… First not everything I post is about you or anyone in particular. Not everyone has a mom to celebrate Mother’s day with for various reasons. I can relate to that. Not everyone has a great relationship with their mother, I can also relate to that. If you’ve read my book, you should know exactly where I stand. As for your question about you as a mother… You were not great, you were not the best, I know that you believe that you did the best you could. You were also not the worst. Your kids grew up to be functioning members of society, that was partially you and also not your doing. You don’t get to take credit for how we turned out as you only had 7-9 years of influence.
Mom: Okay… Wow… I did not finish the book yet but I will at some point.. and I feel like you just slapped me for being who I am.. sorry you feel the way you do but you are right about me doing the best I could at the time you two lived with me.. and no I was not there as you both grow up as I had wanted too but then again that was not all my fault… but I do and will still always love you both and will be here when and if you both ever need me ..
Hannah: You are free to take whatever I say in any manner that you see fit. I didn’t say that you DID the best that you could, I said that I know that YOU believe that you did the best that you could. You are and have been in complete denial about the choices that YOU made and the part that YOU played in everything. You asked me to be truthful, now I ask that you be truthful. I told you the truth about George and what he had been doing to me once you walked in on the last encounter. That wasn’t enough for you… you wanted confirmation/proof, you wanted to know who was telling the truth… You heard the truth, from ME, from the doctors and you still wanted to be with a man that raped me 9 times over 14 months. YOU did NOT do all that you could do to protect me and to keep your kids. YOU could not stay away from George once he was in prison, you got caught visiting him even though you knew you should not, if you wanted your kids back. You chose George again over your kids and their best interest was to be with their mother , not sharing a roof/life with a pedophile. Not only could you not stay away, but you befriended and married another one. Still you feel that you did the best you could, playing the poor me victim card, wondering why your kids don’t talk to you, or make the effort to visit. I opened the door of communication for YOUR benefit, not mine. I don’t need you as a parent in my life. I’m 40 and have done just fine without you. read my book, or don’t, I honestly don’t care. I’m too busy for this BS. You wanted honesty, that is all that I have ever given you, I can’t help how you react to it, that’s on you. I won’t respond because I have to work. Happy Mother’s Day, you brought this on yourself. Now you know why people get frustrated with you and don’t talk to you. How’s that for honesty?
For those of you that are not caught up and not at all familiar with the references, long story short (or as short as possible). I was sexually abused by my mother’s boyfriend in the mid-1980’s the abuse happened 9 times over 14 months (I was 8-9 years old). Once confirmation was obtained (rape test at the hospital the next morning) Child Services were called, my younger brother and I ended up in foster care. What was supposed to be short term ended up being 5 years that ended up in adoption because my mother kept choosing her boyfriend over her kids. We never did go back home.
Anyway, you get the idea. Mother’s day is just another day for me as I don’t have a reason to celebrate. Sometimes fishing for compliments backfires. Some might think that my response is a bit harsh, that’s fine. You don’t know her like I do.
She has a knack for asking loaded questions, starting an argument and when she finally hits a nerve, she asks why you’re so upset. No accountability for her actions, she’s never to blame and always the victim of circumstance. It’s never her fault for anything.
I’ve tried to be nice, I put myself in her shoes 13 years ago and realized as big as her family is, nobody talks to her or goes out to visit. I felt sad for her. She had 3 grandchildren that she had never met. I was able to salvage/rekindle her relationship with my brother (married with 3 kids) and with her sister. Sadly both were short-lived because she can’t leave well enough alone, she sabotages herself and blames everyone else.
I’m done. Done sugar coating my responses to spare her feelings. She doesn’t take a hint. Sadly brutal honesty is the only thing that gets her attention. Sometimes the truth hurts, so be sure you want to hear it if you come looking for it from me.
I do want to wish all of the great mothers and those that take on a motherly (Aunts, grandmothers, sisters, stepmoms, cousins, nieces) role a Happy Mother’s Day!
Thanks for letting me vent.
**** Just an update****
Since the post went public yesterday, I have exchanged a few more private messages with my mother.
Just more of the same BS, of her not taking responsibility, not recognizing that her choices have consequences, nothing is ever her fault. After her last message this evening, I decided not to respond. I’m done! I have blocked her from Facebook as there is nothing more for me to say to her. She sees us (me, my brother, her sister and her brother) as the problem, as to why we don’t talk or visit with her. Funny thing is, we all talk to each other, she can’t admit that she is the common demoninator.
Anyway, just thought I’d share the most recent event for those inquiring minds.